Sleep. – Yes,
please!
If you are one of those people that has ever proclaimed “I always get
great sleep!” (usually in an annoyingly chipper voice, and way too damn early in the morning), please leave now and go
continue being productive in your life. The rest of us would like to be, but we’re
too damn tired.
This post is
aimed at those of us to whom sleep is an attractive and insatiable cruel lover.
Our Mr. Grey, if you will. Oh, how frisky we get when we first crawl into bed or
on the couch (anywhere, really) and adjust ourselves just right for hours upon
blissful hours of sleep. We feel so loved and safe.'
“Oooh Mr Sleep, take me! “
The foreplay
begins : “Oh, Mr. Sleep, I don’t want to be thinking about all the things I
should or should not have done today / last week / last year/ all of my twenties. Ah, I don’t want to be thinking about everything I need to do in the
future either, thank you very much. I just want your sleep tonight, baby, mmkay?
– You’re so bad, you naughty thing, keeping me awake like this!”
In a seductive
voice, you purr, “I just want your sleeeeeep…”
Then the
punishment : “Okay, so our game tonight is that now that my thinking has me all
anxious I am now completely awake? Oh
you are such a bad man! I guess that gives me some quiet time to work on some
projects I haven’t had time to do because I’m always so damn tired. I know you
like that, Mr. Sleepy. Punishing me makes me want you more. So clever. – Ooooh,
but I’m SO sleepy, I don’t have the energy to do anything.”
::curls back into
bed:: - ::brain clicks back awake::
This goes on
for most of the night until your lover is finished with you and you finally get
a chance to truly drift into dream world. Dreamworld is just like your awake
world. You go to work, but it’s at night, you’re riding on the family dog during
a snow storm in August and your boss is pissed because you complained you couldn’t
cash your paycheck because all the bank was offering that day was little paper
Monopoly pieces from McDonalds (and the only prize available to win was a small
fry.) You keep moving yourself awake to make sure you go to the bathroom every hour
on the hour so you can jump right back into sleep and start collecting all the
pieces that give you actual money. You now have to pay your credit card in
Russian Rubles.
Thanks Obama.
You have
changed the sound of your alarm frequently because the sound of it going off in
the morning is always akin to nails on a blackboard. You actually only wake up
because your guts instantly cringe and force you to open your eyes to make sure
you aren’t being stabbed. Oh, it’s just the cat.
Mr. Sleep is
still there. He’s so sexy.
He could solve all your problems if you just obey
him. “Call in to work, sweetheart. Don’t you love me? I promise I’ll make it
worth your while…”
Crawling back
into to bed after calling in to work is nearly an orgasmic experience to those
of us who don’t sleep well. The pure satisfaction and relief of being allowed extra time to sleep anywhere at anytime can be a
titillating experience, especially when it's getting us out of having to do something that doesn't allow naps. – I’m a sleep whore. I sleep so
peacefully during the day. I usually wake up in the late evening feeling a tiny bit refreshed.
Soon though, Mr. Sleep walks through the door with a suave grin on his face.
“Wanna
play? I've got all night, baby..."
